UncategorizedDecember 3, 2009 10:18 am
Back from the orthopaedist. You know, I was afraid of getting a shot, but what I was most afraid of was that they wouldn’t do anything at all.
Well, guess what?
All right, he didn’t do nothing, as such. He poked and pressed and twisted, and he’s booking me an ultrasound because he didn’t want to ‘jab in the blind’ - he did find a bursa that was probably inflamed, but that’s not where I hurt the most and he had no idea what’s causing me that pain. So, he says I’m getting an ultrasound. I thought, all right, brilliant! "But it won’t be before Christmas." At the point I kind of froze. Not before Christmas? I thought we’d do it right there and now. I must’ve gotten a look on my face, because he immediately said that he wished we could do it there, but it just doesn’t work that way. And I could feel my throat constricting and I started blinking, and he left while I got dressed. And the second he shut the door my eyes just started welling up. I couldn’t help it. I thought I could get fixed today. I did.
It took me a couple of minutes to pull myself together enough leave the room, and when I did he met me at the door - I think he must’ve seen how close to tears I was, because he said that he figured he’ll refer me to Malmö, which might be quicker.
Got home, managed to hold it together until my dad left for work, and then I started sobbing and haven’t been able to stop. I’ve just had enough of this. I want to go to England next year, and while I’m like this I CAN’T. You’re supposed to contact the farms where you want you to work at least a month in advance, and I can’t do that until I know if I’m actually going to be able to do it. And I want to go so bad. I NEED to go. This fucking thing is stopping me from living my life, and I hate it.
(Morris apparently heard me crying just now and came out of the bedroom, all low ears and wagging tail, trying to figure out what’s wrong. Jumped up and put his paws on my shoulders, sniffing my face. I love that dog.)
I really did think today might be the day. He was supposed to know what to do. I was so looking forward to going home knowing that I could wake up tomorrow and be pain free for the first time in six months. I know it may still work out, but having to wait first for the ultrasound where they may or may not see what’s wrong, and then wait for a new appointment with the orthopaedist, where they may or may not be able to do something… I just don’t know what to do in the meantime. Worrying about this takes up so much energy I can’t really focus on much else. And I can’t stop thinking about this and what will happen if I can’t get it fixed, either. Vicious circle.
I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. That’s why I’m so torn up. It was stupid.